Yay, dysphoria day

Yesterday (like 30 minutes ago). Was quite of a bad day, filled with dysphoria, internalized transphobia, and other garbage. Don't read this if this is a trigger for you. This post is mostly just for typing those stuff out and trying to gain some clarity.

This post have been made on 2024-07-05T00:30:00+02:00 but I'm hiding it a little by burying it in my posts because I'm not yet very comfortable with all this and coming out to many people I know IRL who know this website.

A few days ago I came out as a trans woman to a friend and fellow trans woman. I was very happy about it, it wasn't the first time I came out as trans woman to someone, but this time it felt different. It felt suddently a lot more real, like I myself realized I was a trans woman at that very moment.

That conversation made me feel very good, happy and supported.

But then... yesterday happened.

I think thoughts about transition, gender and other stuff grew in my head after that coming out. And today was the highest point. I was feeling more intensly dysphoric about my body hair than ever before (note that I'm very aichmophobic so I'm very not ready to cut them).

I felt so confused and lot of self-doubt happened like "What if I'm not really trans?".

Transmedicalist garbage

So I started watching and reading some stuff by looking up "how to feel more feminine as a trans woman" or "how to deal with dysphoria". And the results I found made me quite angry and frustrated.

Most of the results were usually either stuff relating gender to biology, shit like "according to this study, trans women have similar brain structures as those of cis women" or "You need to take HRT to deal with dysphoria because your body need those hormones because dysphoria is not a psychological condition, it is a medical condition".

This basically sounds like trans medicalist garbage to me.

THe other kind of content I found was basically things prescribed to be "feminine" which basically were a blueprint for the perfect 1950's housewife.

Noticing this clear lack of diversity about gender, sometimes even from queer websites or so called "gender therapists" made me very angry and kind of sad too.

I noticed that this kind of talk and expectation, among society but especially in queer circles is a big source of internalized transphobia for me.

Internalized transphobia

Internalized transphobia is not something new to me, I know I have it for quite some time. For instance, often when meeting trans women there is this stinky little voice (but oh god it's loud) whispering all kind of shit like "you know what, it's actually a man who's trying to pretend to be a girl", "Oh that's not passing, I can see they have a masculine head shape", etc.

And this kind of garbage can also lead to me having a lot of trouble to use the right pronouns sometimes because there is this voice screaming the opposite pronoun in my head.

This voice comes from my own reflection of myself projected on others. I think this and project (internally) this kind of stuff on people because I can't imagine myself as a woman. I can't even picture anything in my mind, I can only picture all the most masculine traits I have.

This makes me very depressed, hopeless, frustrated, confused and sad. I just wish I could be more open, more confident, and more connected with others too.

This combination of feelings that make up dysphoria really has a unique taste, and it tastes like garbage.

Trying to get out of it

Even though I am active in different online trans communities it's not enough for me to really fight back dysphoria and internalized transphobia. I really need this same kind of stuff IRL I think.

I think this more intense period of dysphoria and internalized transphobia comes from my lover being away for the moment (hopefully she returns tomorrow ^v^). Because she's very supportive and attentive to use the right pronouns and help me in some stuff in my transition (like affirming me, helping me with clothes and other "girly stuff" like make-up, hair or nails).

I'm really realizing I need to be around more trans people IRL too.

Also I've literally spent the ENTIRE DAY from the moment I woke up to the moment I'm writing this to think about this kind of stuff. And you know what too much gender is very dangerous for your mental health. Consume gender with moderation.